Love

Love is an emotion. Emotions are always felt. If it isn't felt, it's not an emotion.

One time, my dad told me the next time I had an emotion, to pay attention to where
I was feeling it. I didn't understand. Feel an emotion in a specific place? It didn't make
any sense. It was as if he'd asked me to pay attention to the taste of inertia.

Much more recently, a psychologist explained that all emotions are felt as bodily sensations.
Like betrayal, for instance. Of course I've been betrayed, but I didn't feel anything. Just got a
general sense of disappointment and could no longer respect the betrayer. I'm told betrayal feels
really awful, similar to a gut punch. But I'll never know.

I cannot feel guilt or remorse. But I can feel fear of getting caught. That's why I try not to do bad things.
But I am often reminded of cringey things I've said or done in the past, and the memory always comes with
a twinge of sadness. Sorrow is sadness and sorry means I know I screwed up. Abusers have told me not to
feel sorry for myself, but since I keep screwing up, why shouldn't I be sorry?

Sadness is another emotion I can feel. But sadness is not empathy. Sorrow for my past behavior is not empathy.

Anger is an emotion, and certain things really tick me off. But what does anger feel like? Kind of charged up, I guess.
Or maybe like clenched fists? I'm reminded of the story of a guru who promised his followers they could see the astral
realm. He sat them all in a circle, had them close their eyes, and one by one pressed on their eyes with his thumbs so they
would see stars. Let's be careful not to be like the quack guru.

Sadness is my favorite emotion. It feels like home. I don't like fear or anger. But getting lost in sadness can be nice sometimes.
What does happiness feel like? Since people like happiness so much, I imagine it must feel a lot like sadness. But I'll never know.

Love is a feeling of wanting someone to be with you and to do everything for them. Wanting to provide them with the best of everything.

My cat gives me oxytocin feels. But that's not what love is. Love is wanting the best for someone even if it means they cannot be in your
presence. I want my cat near me at all times, even if I ever become incapacitated and can't feed her. I wanted my Dad to live as long as possible
so that he would be with us as long as possible, even though he was suffering from illness. That's not love, that's selfishly wanting others around.

Then I've never loved anyone. And I assume I never will.

Since I cannot love, I refuse to go on dates or seek romantic relationships. It wouldn't make sense to ask anyone for something I can never hope to reciprocate.

Friendship also is based on love, and I find it very easy to break off most friendships. I've been told multiple times that if I was so ready and willing to let go of a person
over one misstep, then I was never their friend in the first place. And that's true. I have never been anyone's friend, because I am incapable of friendship, because friendship
is a form of love, and I am incapable of love.

People don't believe me when I say I'm not a person. People are emotion feelers, and for the most part I am not.
People experience a world of altruism, caring, love, and feeling that is alien to me.
People see the phony human façade that I was born with,
and because of that, they assume I am like them.
They are judging a book by its cover.

I am nothing like a person.